Mixed Signals

Dear Jimbo:

I'm beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with me. As a thirty-something divorcee, I am reentering the dating scene and I find that dating now is completely different than dating in high school. My biggest concern is that men seem to be incredibly cautious around me, and are unwilling to commit to even asking me out. Although I suppose this could be for many reasons (being divorced, my religion, my age, my looks, my personality, how I come across to people, whatever); my friends--guys and girls--profess to be at a loss as to why I am in this dilemma.

Here is a real-life example. There was a guy I was interested in at work. He first drew my attention because I caught him checking ME out. We ended up having lunch together, at my suggestion. Over the next two weeks, we saw each other only a couple of times--when I dropped into his office to see him. One day when I saw him in the hallway near my office, I teased him about "slumming," since he never came to my office. He dropped by not too long after that and mentioned something about lunch the following day.

After that, he would usually drop by during lunch for about twenty minutes or so. Sometimes he would bring food and sometimes he wouldn't. At one point, I told him he should tell me when it was my turn to bring lunch, and he declined. It was very inconsistent and confusing. (Often, I wondered if he ate during lunch, or if he was having lunch with someone else when he was not in my office with me.)

This went on for about two or three weeks. We finally ended up arranging a meeting outside of work. He brought his roommate. At the end of this excursion, he invited me over to his place for dinner a week from that day. When I DID go over to his place, he was dressed in a t-shirt, jeans, and flip-flops. We were talking casually as he piddled in the kitchen when his roommate walks in freshly showered and dressed nicely. I was disconcerted. As we sat down to dinner, my coworker mentioned that another [attractive, single, younger] girl from our work was supposed to come but had to cancel. (Was I on a date? If I was, whose date was I? The guy I knew, or the roommate who was actually dressed for a date?) When we went out for ice cream after dinner, the roommate drove and I was "placed" beside him in the passenger seat. (A gesture of respect, or was I being set up with the roommate?)

We finished watching the movie we had rented late in the evening. Not only had no one made a move on me all night, neither of them so much as touched me or flirted with me. I was totally confused. The roommate finally excused himself for bed. Gathering up my things, I began to take my leave. My coworker walked me to the door. As I began down the sidewalk, I thought, "Dammit, after all this, I'm going to get my goodnight kiss." I walked back to the doorway and planted one right on his mouth. I was actually surprised when he kissed me back. A couple of times.

You would think things would be all cleared up now, wouldn't you? Nope. As I walked away, he said he would bring lunch the next workday. He didn't call me the next day, but I wasn't surprised. The next workday, I was working in my office during lunch when I realized that lunch was half-over. Perhaps I had misunderstood where we were meeting for lunch? I popped over to his office, and tapped on the door. He stepped into the hallway, saying that he was just coming down. As we walked to my office, he said that he didn't have lunch. He dropped by again the following day at lunch for a shorter length of time.

The rest of the week neither of us were in the office. During that time, he never tried to contact me. The next week he did not drop by to see me, and about halfway through the week I saw him in the hallway and pretty much blew him off politely. We did not speak again except in passing for some time. Occasionally, I would extend a nice gesture (I remembered his birthday, dropped notes in his box every once in a while), and he would generally seem to be appreciative of these kindnesses.

Every once in a while, he will seem to have a humane moment and flirt with me, touch me, smile at me, or look into my eyes as if he cares. Most of the time, however, he has an exceptionally cautious look on his face when he sees me, and acts very reticent in my presence. I do not know what to make of his inconsistent behaviour. Although I have tried to put all this behind me, obviously it is still on my mind, if for no other reason than the curiosity factor. Additionally, I have not had much more success with other guys, although he was the last guy I even came close to liking and dating.

Perhaps there is a part of me that believes that if I could figure THIS guy out, maybe I could figure out what the deal is with the REST of the male species. The last thing I want to do is to have to hunt a guy down just so I can get a date ... . Is it normal for guys to be so reticent and cautious?

Sleuthin' for a Smoothie

Dear Sleuthin,

First of all, great letter. Your intended seems like a whack job in need of some heavy-duty psychotropic medication. My advice to you: drop him like a hot potato (or po-tah-to, if you prefer). In other words, why not call the whole thing off.

Your letter indicates you're an intelligent woman. Use your superior brain power to find someone up to your level.

Pharmaceutically yours,

Jimbo.

Readers, what do you think?

From TD: Maybe the guy's having an identity crisis, i.e., he's gay? Or confused?

From P:
Relationships with individuals from work more often lead
to problems. When the relationship doesn't work out and
the break is not a good one, you still have to see each
other at work. Give the guy a break... he may be
cautious of the warnings usually given to dating a
coworker.

Hey Jimbo!!!

How do you know if a guy is really using you for sex only? I am getting some mixed signals.

Curious

Dear Curious,

Does he treat you like he really likes you--buys you flowers, takes you out to eat, shows that he cares what you think? Or are you just his love receptacle?

Readers, any other signs? Help Curious out.

From S:

Girl, he don't want you for real if he's not acting like he even cares.
If he acts strange, ignores you, or treats you differently in front of
people, let him GO!

A portrait of Jimbo as a young man

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